Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Oh, I Wish That I Could Be

If you've been following me for a while, you might remember that I've got a problem with clinical depression. I've been going through lots of ups and downs in recent months. When I'm going through a depression, even a mild one, morning is my most challenging time of day. I give myself pep talks and keep myself busy. Sometimes that works. Other times (like this past Saturday), I have breakfast and go back to bed. But that's an improvement over years past. Before San Geraldo, I wouldn't even bother with breakfast.

HAPPY FAMILY.
DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED; THERE ARE SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET.
(CLICK TO ENLARGE ON THE IRONY.)

Late afternoons are fine, unless I'm in a rock-bottom depression, which I'm not. Right now, at this very moment, I'm fine. Better than fine. Right now, I'm great. But it's already nearly 9:30 p.m. I obviously need to find ways to give the brain chemistry a jump-start first thing in the morning. Like everyone, I've lived a life filled with challenges. But, I've been very fortunate and many will say I should be grateful for all I have. I am grateful. But still...

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW HE FEELS.

I took a walk yesterday to the Fuengirola history museum. I couldn't find the entrance. When I did, I learned the museum was closed for the day. So, I crossed the street and strolled the zoo. It didn't really help, especially when I found one of my "friends" in the same sort of funk.


YES. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

Today, the sun was shining and there was only the slightest breeze. I went to the beach in the afternoon. By the time I got downstairs, the wind had picked up and with it came the clouds. Lots of clouds. But then I did a dance to get my towel down in the wind and get myself on top of it and I found it funny. Clearly, I'm coming out of my funk. So, more explorations and more stories to come.


Tellingly, "Richard Cory" was one of my favorite poems (and then songs) when I was a kid.

28 comments:

  1. We all have moods, challenges, bad days and memories...and clinical depression is caused by none of those, we both know that; right?

    Even if you're moving slowly, you're still moving and that's what matters. Would you give me a hard time for having Parkinson's? You know you wouldn't. So why do that to yourself? Yes, I AM waggling my finger at you and using my Momma voice. ;-)

    I also deal with clinical depression Mitchell, it comes along with the Parkinson's...so I'm sending you a hug along with the lecture. We'll just have to pick each other up, okay? Go give San Geraldo a big hug and tell him I said to pamper you silly.

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    1. Jacquelineand....
      It sure helps when people (like you) understand. I like your Momma voice. I had a doctor in San Diego who compared it to Diabetes. "Would you go off your meds?" I took me a long time to get that. I make sure to get a big hug from San Geraldo every chance I get.

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    2. Re-reading my comment, I hope you know that I'm neither judging nor telling you to 'try harder' or 'just get over it' Mitchell. I'm rather like a farmyard mother; a mother hen who can be a bit ham-handed. Sending you hugs and should you ever need it...kitchenelixers@gmail.com

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    3. Jacquelineand....
      I never got that impression. Thanks for the moral support.

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  2. Sounds like you are learning to live with this Mitch and have done so very well for a number of years. I think you know what you have to do and maybe what you can't do sometimes. Also I may hear from this that you wish you didn't have to live with this....but you do and you have.
    Yes it would be nice if we didn't have the things we 'get' in this life. Sometimes we just can't do much more than accept and move forward....as you have done.
    Thanks for sharing this with us. I grew up with a mother who had very severe/extreme depression most of her adult life. We were taught to never discuss this and 'keep it in the closet'....this was not the correct way to deal with this illness. Your way is much better. Thanks.

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    1. Jim:
      As the saying goes, "Ain't nothing in my closet but clothes." Sorry for what your mother and your entire family had to go through. I'm doing fine... just fine!

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  3. Sounds like recognizing and "admitting" it helps in dealing with it... nothing like a little denial to keep a person down. Now... about that Happy Family scene... WHAT ALL DO I SEE "HIDDEN" under that bed????

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    1. Sharon:
      Too bad the artistry of "HAPPY FAMILY" wasn't better. I could make out "the bodies under the bed," but I don't know what else he intended to be seen. Today, the bodies on top of the bed are gone. It looks like someone else slept there.

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  4. I keep telling Jim ~~ talk about your family issues with your sibs ~~ they are either afraid or don't know how or are just too tired ~~ but Jim is a passionate human being and he needs to know things, anything.

    He is so finely attuned to people's issues because he was the go-between, the soother, the helper and so when he doesn't receive reciprocal from his sibs he is hurt and mystified. Thus his kindness and generosity is spread to others.

    Reading your blog and how you share yourself from laughter to stillness is the best thing for you and us ~~ really it is!

    Ron

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    1. Ron:
      Thanks so much for this. Jim (and you) are keepers!

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  5. The best thing about dealing with any kind of issue, depression, for example, is recognizing it and knowing what can and cannot help you out of it.
    I, too, sometimes get a little 'down' but always find that a walk around town helps wonders. I think it's getting the brain to do something different that kickstarts my mood.

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    1. Bob:
      Those walks can really help me, too. And lately they've been very long ones. It's a bad day when the walk doesn't help.

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  6. Man, it's not always easy to say, "I know, I know, I have so many things to be thankful for... so many.... but, still...". I applaud your still pushing to make yourself think that way. You bring us lots of joy and fun, sharing your life with us (and in such a clever way allll the time!). Thanks for that :)

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    1. Judeet:
      And today is a better day. I hope to be sending more laughs your way this evening! Thanks so much for your kindness... always!

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  7. Well, at least you can blog when you're in a slump! I don't have the mental energy or clarity to write much of anything. Even worse, anything I write is so pathetic, I just give up. It looks like you have taken control of your ups & downs. Good goin!

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    1. Ms. Sparrow:
      I pulled back from blogging this time around for a couple of days, and I've done that before. But, I'm drawn back. I say the same thing you say: "... anything I write is pathetic." But then I manage to push myself to work at it and some sort of inspiration returns (although I'm sure I've written some pathetic posts, too).

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  8. Strange that I've never heard this song version of Richard Cory, a poem I've always liked. Sorry about your depression. I don't know what I'd do if I were depressed in the morning, my favorite and most productive time of day. Take care.

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    1. Stephen:
      I'm sure you hadn't heard the song because you're just much too young. Oddly, I love the idea of morning. Need to work on enjoying it more!

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  9. Depression just happens, and it is awful. I hope the sun is shining happily and the black dog has departed. x

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    1. Elaine:
      The sun is shining. No black dogs in sight. Just two black & white cats who make me feel better.

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  10. Yes, my own (sometimes startling) experience of being in the company of those with depression is NOT to offer advice (far too unqualified to do that anyway) but, rather, to hold back and listen to what s/he needs to be said - and only if that need is there.
    So all I will do is to wish you well in the hope that these blogs will assist in attaining the level of well-being to which you aspire. Thinking of you, Mitch.

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    1. Raybeard:
      Your approach works perfectly for me. Thanks so much. Today is a much better day.

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  11. I don't have clinical depression, but I do have what I call my "black dogs" about every 7 months like clockwork. I feel them coming and I think that is what is the most frightening. For a few days before they arrive, I feel out of sorts and weepy, imagine them loping around the corner, headed for me. And then they are there and I go into a terrible funk for about two weeks. I am able to work and attend to my life, but that's it. I just go through the motions. I am medically educated, so I do know how to get myself medicated, but worse than the depression seems to be the fatigue that comes with the medication. So, I skip it and just bear it.

    This is not your type of depression, I know. And I also know that it is really, really difficult to find the right combination of drugs that work. Some never really find it. Some do and it works most of the time, but not all of the time.

    And there's the rub...the frightening feeling of it all, yes? The knowing that it's coming. If I hear one more "helpful" family member tell me that "I think he should just be grateful! He doesn't have cancer! He has a good job and marriage and children! WHY must he be so mopey?"...I will slap them. Anyone who speaks that way does not understand exactly what this illness entails. If this person had a broken appendage or migraines, etc., they would be understanding. This is an illness. Not something that the person just decides to experience by not trying hard enough to be cheery!

    Mitch, just do the best you can and keep coming back. I so enjoy your blog and I like knowing that you are out there in the world.

    And on a side note...I had my ipod on shuffle the other day when I was walking the dog and "Richard Cory" came on. I had forgotten what a powerful song that is...

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    1. Maria:
      I remember reading about your black dogs not too long ago. Glad they passed... again. As for the "he should just be grateful" comments, sometimes they make me want to spit. When I'm doing OK, I shrug and figure they mean well but just don't understand. But I still want to spit.

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  12. That you recognize and acknowledge is huge steps. When you are in sunshine mode let's Skype okay? So much to fill you in on. xox

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  13. I admire your candor in talking about your depression. Thanks for sharing. I hope you have many, many more good days than bad.

    And thanks for sharing Richard Cory. Both the poem and the song were new to me.

    Best Wishes

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    1. Harper's Keeper:
      I was bottling things up for a few days, which made it worse. Sometimes it's easier to just let it out there. Thanks for the moral support!

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