Saturday, September 21, 2013

I Must I Must I Must Increase My Bust

When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend who had a ditty she would use as she performed isometric exercises. I'm not naming any names (but she knows who she is).

"I must. I must. I must increase my bust," she would chant as she pressed her palms together in front of her chest — or as she performed push-ups in a standing position against her parents' living room wall.

In case you're wondering, the exercises didn't work.

WHAT I SAW TODAY JUST BEFORE I SAW SOME NEW BREASTS.

Today, I went for a walk to Benalmádena. Quick pace. Beautiful sunshine. Great exercise. On my way back, as I neared one of the workout stations along the beach, I noticed a mature blonde doing the same exercise I remembered my girlfriend doing in high school. However, unlike my former girlfriend, the blonde was topless and clearly had no need to increase anything. In fact, it was pretty clear her "bust" had been increased significantly by other means.

ONE OF SEVERAL EXERCISE STATIONS ALONG THE BEACH.

Unlike in Las Vegas and Southern California, I don't see a lot of cosmetic surgery around here. It's here, but it's not typical (or at least not so obvious). So it's unusual for me to see silicone breasts out and about. And these breasts were especially out and about. The exercise equipment is right along the paseo, and the blonde performed her exercises with her very large, unnaturally upright, and strangely solid breasts facing out proudly to the passers-by.

THE BREAST STATION?

Another topless woman about 50 feet away on the beach sat comparing her own large breasts to these new models on display. She placed her hands beneath her full, gravity drawn, breasts and lifted. Significantly. She compared the results and then let them drop. Heavily. She finally threw up her hands dramatically and laughed.

I really wanted to take a picture. I also wanted to tell the blonde those exercises were not only ineffective but also, in her case, totally pointless. But then she already knew that. She clearly just liked showing them off. Good for her.

THE HORIZONTAL BARS ARE APPARENTLY BEST ... IF ONLY FOR FULL EXPOSURE.

And speaking of show-offs: As I continued my walk, a guy passed heading in the opposite direction. He wore nothing but a pair of hot-yellow running shoes and day-glo orange nylon running shorts.

Unbelievably short and skimpy day-glo orange nylon running shorts.

With, very obviously, no built-in support — and clearly no underwear or jock to compensate for the lack of built-in support — the guy's shorts left absolutely nothing to the imagination (and I mean nothing). OK, he wasn't bad to look at but all I could think as he jounced ... I mean jogged ... by was, "After a while, that has got to hurt." He was also blond. But I'm pretty sure his parts were real. I probably should have back-tracked to see if he also took a crack at the horizontal bars.

So, in all, it was an excellent, invigorating, and entertaining walk. But in my cotton shorts and supportive underwear — with my T-shirt hooked into my waistband — I felt seriously over-dressed.

ALMOST HOME. MAYBE IT"S JUST ME...

27 comments:

  1. I remember that chant from the Judy Blume book, 'Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.' Growing up as a young American girl in the eighties, this was practically required reading!

    Let it all hang out, Mitch. It seems like the thing to do today. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Michelle:
      I almost included the short video of Judy Blume performing the ditty on TV!

      I'm heading out tomorrow to buy a pair of lemon-yellow, skimpy, nylon running shorts. (Orange is not my color.) With no support.

      Delete
  2. Snort. There goes the coffee. Oh, that was hilarious! Loved your description of the breasts being "out and about"! Never a dull moment, eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judith:
      Oh, how I wish I could have included photos. But then my blog would have be re-rated.

      Delete
  3. Good grief.
    The sight of all that wanton nudity would put me off my cornflakes I think, especially the falsies.
    In my limited experience, the people most likely to flaunt their assets are the ones who most need to keep them covered up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jean:
      Well, we fortunately get all different types flaunting their assets here. But I do resent the fact that, although women can go topless on the beach, they cannot go topless off the beach. Not they I want them to go topless off the beach. But men CAN go topless off the beach. And many who do have much bigger breasts than the women!

      Delete
  4. That WAS hilarious! I just hadn't thought of fake boobs down there in España-- maybe it was an ex-porn star on vacation!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judeet:
      Nope. The rest of the package did not scream "porn star." I've been told if you head to Marbella (just a half hour away), you'll see a lot more of this.

      Delete
  5. Sounds like she was very proud of her breasts and just wanted to SHARE with everyone!! As well with 'flip-flop' guy!
    Quite an exciting morning you had Mitch!
    I remember the girls chanting a similar piece....they used 'improve' instead of 'increase'. Wonder if kids do that now? Probably not...just go straight for surgery!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jim:
      Oh, read Judy Blume. I think women still think those exercises work!

      Delete
  6. If I encountered characters like the ones you describe I'd probably take more walks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen:
      Why do you think I've gotten so healthy?!?

      Delete
  7. Ah, things you never see in my neck of the woods! hahahaha!

    I think I tried that exercise for awhile when I was in grade 7, to no effect...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Knatolee:
      Seeing it in your neck of the woods would be truly bloggable!

      I had a friend at university (36DD) who insisted those exercises were what did it for her. I couldn't convince her it would have happened anyway!

      Delete
  8. Wasn't there another verse to this ditty, 'the bigger the better, the tighter the sweater ..."
    We don't have bare breasted ladies here but there are many shirtless running lads, who are shirtless not because they are hot but because they are showing off as they can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spo:
      Yes!!! Thanks so much for remembering the second verse. I knew there was more to it and I couldn't for the life of me remember it... and I couldn't find it online.

      It's fun to notice here which people are out running or exercising on the beach because they want to get or stay fit as opposed to those who only do those activities during peak hours so they can be admired.

      Delete
  9. All that talk about female breasts has got me yearning to see some pussies - you know, furry ones. (NO!!!!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Raybeard:
      That's so much more smutty when said to or by Americans! Mrs. Slocombe of "Are You Being Served" would probably have been censored in the U.S. when it was originally aired!

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. Sharon:
      Oh, you should try it and let Bill take pictures... or maybe the reverse since you're the blogger!

      Delete
  11. I don't believe you saw any of this...pictures please....I am a doubting Thomas...LOL!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ron:
      I wish I had had the guts... er balls!

      Delete
    2. OK then, I B-E-L-E-I-V-E !!!!!

      Delete
  12. I remember doing this with my friend Sandy when we were in junior high!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristi:
      Did it work for you? How about Sandy?

      Delete
  13. We are just now getting to the season where talking long walks is again an option. Sadly I have yet to see anything nearly as noteworthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HK:
      We apparently had an unusually low-heat summer, but even at it's hottest we don't get hit the way you do. And there are always the sea breezes (and the sea to jump into). You would not believe what I see on my walks (well, maybe you would).

      Delete

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