Monday, June 9, 2014

Loss Of Innocence?

We were out with Tynan and Elena Saturday night... telling stories like we always do. I posted one of the stories a while ago. I thought I had posted the other, as well, but couldn't find it. I've included them both below so you'll understand the words of wisdom Tynan had for San Geraldo once our stories were told.



1.  The Cathouse
In 1982, San Geraldo and I drove with our friend Susan from Boston to New York for the weekend. On the way back, we stopped at a McDonald's on the Connecticut Turnpike. While in the parking lot sipping our chocolate shakes, I noticed a veterinary clinic on the other side of the fence. There were two entrances. One read "DOGS" and the other, "CATS."

THE PLACE WE SAW WAS MORE QUAINT, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.

I facetiously said, "Ha. They don't fool me. That's just a cover for a cathouse."

San Geraldo said, "Huh? Is that like a kennel, only for cats?"

Susan and I looked at him incredulously. As you have probably learned, San Geraldo often gets incredulous looks.

"You really don't know what a cathouse is?" I asked.

"Yes, like a kennel, right?" he replied.

I explained, "Jerry, a cathouse is a whorehouse."

"No it's not. You're making that up."

"I am not. It's where you would go to... well, not you... uh... It's where you go for pussy!

"Oh, stop it. It is not."

Susan reached her hand to his cheek, nodded, and said, "It is."

"Really?!?"

In unison, "Really."

"Well, that's just here. My mother wouldn't know what it is!"

"Trust me," I assured him, "your mother would know."

When we got home, San Geraldo immediately phoned his mother, Alice, in Minnesota. I stood close so I could hear her response. "Mom, what's a cathouse?"

SAN GERALDO A FEW YEARS BEFORE WE MET.
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT A CATHOUSE IS?

Alice laughed and then, when he didn't respond, asked, "Is this a joke?"

"No," he muttered. "Do you know what a cathouse is?"

"Well, of course. Don't you remember Beulah's when we lived in Huron [South Dakota]?"

Stunned silence.

The next night, the phone was ringing when we got home from dinner. San Geraldo grabbed it. It was his Aunt Mildred (his mother's oldest sister). I could hear her cackle all the way from Oregon, "Say, Jerry, what's a cathouse?"



2.  What to Slow Down
When we lived in Washington, D.C., we had a dear friend I'll call "Jo-Frances." At the time, Jo-Frances and San Geraldo both worked at the Library of Congress. (I was with U.S. News & World Report, if anyone's interested.) Jo-Frances, San Geraldo, and I were heading out somewhere with a couple of other friends. As we walked through Georgetown, Jo-Frances got about half a block ahead of us.

San Geraldo called out — loudly — "Jo-Frances, slow your twat down!"

Jo-Frances immediately stopped and, as we caught up with her, I looked at San Geraldo and said, "I can't believe you yelled that out in public."

"Yelled what?" he asked.

"Twat," I repeated quietly.

"What's the big deal?"

"Don't you know what it means?" I asked.

"Of course I do! It's your butt!"

I groaned, "No, it's not your butt. A twat is a vagina."

"No!?!" was his stunned reaction.

I turned to see Jo-Frances standing a few feet away looking stunned, as well.

"Is it really?!?" she squeaked.

"Well, what did you think it was?" I snapped.

"I thought it was your rear-end, too."

Librarians!

WHERE WE STOOD WHEN SAN GERALDO AND JO-FRANCES
FIRST LEARNED THE TRUTH ABOUT TWAT.


And Finally...
After the stories were told, Tynan looked at San Geraldo and said:

"It's a good thing god made you homosexual.
Because, if you were heterosexual, you'd still be a virgin."

26 comments:

  1. San Geraldo definitely looks intelligently.

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  2. I remember sitting in junior high math class in Tulsa Oklahoma. A certain word had been laboriously carved into the wooden desk top where I sat. (Remember the ones with the flip lids and you stored all your stuff inside?)
    I pointed it out, smiling, to the boy who sat in back of me.
    He asked me if I knew what it meant.
    I said no, but thought it must be a funny word because it rhymed with Puck (you know, from Midsummer Night's Dream. Yes, I know it was weird for me to know that but I had a weird upbringing)
    He made me promise to never repeat it.
    Now that I think back, he must have been a very nice boy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marty:
      Ah, sweet memories of youth. I don't think I knew any nice boys!

      Delete
  3. Ahhhh :) More good stories about the sweet innocence of a boy from South Dakota.

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    Replies
    1. Judy:
      He's full of it... I MEAN THEM. He's full of them (those good stories).

      Delete
  4. I'm sorry to admit I know what.cathouse is. It's where men go to buy that other word.

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    Replies
    1. Stephen:
      Yep. That's how I explained to San Geraldo. (Because I knew his next question would be, "Well, why would they call it a cathouse?")

      Delete
  5. Imagine someone THAT handsome not knowing these things!!

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    Replies
    1. Jim:
      That's what I thought! (Especially since I knew for a fact he had been around the block a few times before meeting me!)

      Delete
  6. Thanks, Mitchell, for the memories. I learned a lot from you two. :)

    (Unfortunately, nothing I could share with my mother.)

    You both gave this farm girl a REAL education. And I loved every minute of it. I miss you both. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, Jo, you give yourself away! And here I was trying to protect the innocent (and I DO mean innocent). Sending huge hugs back to you... from the cathouse.

      Delete
  7. Dear San Geraldo;
    Never yell out 'fanny', or call anyone by that name, in the UK. Just a friendly word of warning from another Midwesterner. It means the same thing as the word for what you'd find in a cathouse.

    Sincerely (and without even a hint of a grin)
    Jacqueline

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jacqueline:
      Fortunately, SG knows to call a fanny pack a bum bag. But better still, he never refers to either (since he'd probably confuse them anyway). And that just reminded me of two more San Geraldo smutty words stories!

      Delete
  8. we referred to them as 'bad houses' but i prefer cats.

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    Replies
    1. Spo:
      I always liked the terms "house of ill repute" and "den of iniquity." I've seen, more than once, antique stores named "Den of Antiquity." I thought it was cute the first time.

      Delete
  9. My grandmother always used the word "pilfering" to describe idly browsing in a store. We were never able to convince it actually meant 'stealing' or 'shoplifting'.

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    Replies
    1. HK:
      Hilarious. "May I help you, ma'am?" "Oh, no, I'm just pilfering." Had to bail her out quite often, did you?

      Delete
  10. I don't know what's funnier, the stories or Tynan's summation!

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    Replies
    1. Bob:
      The only reason I even told these stories here this time is because of Tynan's summation. I wish I could record all these Tynanisms. He's so quick-witted and his delivery is priceless.

      Delete
  11. You guys are too much! This story's hysterical. San Geraldo looks more like someone who'd bring a group of barking b*tches to a cat-house just to raise havoc and -perhaps- his manhood.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Robyn:
      But as we know, San Geraldo was more the type to show up at the cathouse with his sick cat.

      Delete
  12. It's that mid-western upbringing me thinks...never tell the poor little gay boy anything because he'll just scream!

    Jerry ~~ don't listen to all those peeps teasing you, here me!!
    R
    PS ~~ still a good laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can relate. Believe me.

    When I saw "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" with a couple of high school buddies, I was the only one who thought the game of "Hump the hostess" meant "playing some innocent prank" on Liz Taylor.

    And I've even titled my memoir (to be published this summer?) "Did You Ever See A Horse Go By?" - a reference to my misunderstanding of the macabre rhyme "Did you ever see a HEARSE go by?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frank:
      These are both hilarious. By the time I saw "...Virginia Woolf," I did know what they were talking about. However, I used to think the song was "Did you ever see a 'Hertz' go by." I couldn't understand why a passing rental car meant "someday you're gonna die."

      Delete

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