Friday, September 16, 2011

Never Good Enough

It's fascinating — well, maybe disappointing would be more precise — that a person (I) can live to a significant age (longer than my grandmother, nearly as long as my father, twice as long as my sister, 20 years longer than a best friend, and on and on) and still be hit in the face some days with the same feelings I had when I was 12 or 8 or 17 or 26.

This is a brief "true confessions" post, one I write to clear my head and then, I hope, get a good night's sleep.  It's 3:22 in the morning.  I had a bad day. To be honest, although I haven't told you, it hasn't been an easy month.  Much of it is, I know, wrapped up in the fact that my sister's birthday is coming up in a few days.  And she's not here (on this earth) to celebrate it. She hasn't been here for a long time. 

September can sometimes be a difficult month for me to get through.  This one, although exciting, finds me a bit up in the air. So, this one has been a bit more emotionally charged.

Yes, at the bottom of it all, I am happy.  I love this new life we're creating in Spain.  I love the challenges, the excitement, the change.  I especially love, more than anything else, the fact that I'm here — doing anything — with Jerry.  I know how fortunate I am.  And, right now, I'm very grateful to Jerry for helping me get through a rough afternoon.

The thing is, although I am grateful, excited, loved, in love, challenged, and in the middle of an unbelievably amazing new adventure with someone who never for a moment bores me, I have moments where I'm reminded that I still don't really like myself much.

I have spent much of my life not feeling quite good enough.  Well, now THAT'S an understatement.  The truth is, I have a challenge some days liking myself at all.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Like I said, I'm very grateful to Jerry for helping me get through.

I'm feeling better, as I hoped I would, just writing this little bit.  I'm not, as my mother would probably suggest, "fishing for compliments." I'm just getting the feelings of self-loathing out of my head.  I come from an extended family of — for the most part, — talented, successful, attractive, over-achievers.  Much of my childhood was spent being reminded of that.  I learned in recent years that many in my extended family have suffered some of the same feelings.  I have not always wanted to be one of them and, at the same time, I have ALWAYS wanted to be one of them.  Sometimes, it just addles my brain.  So, when emotions are running high, as they do in September and as they have especially this September, I am hit in the face with the fact that I still don't like myself much, that I'm just not good enough.  There it is.

So, now I'll go back to sleep having cleared my head.  Maybe this public admission will help long-term.  I wonder if I'll ever be old enough to be good enough.  But, obviously, age has nothing to do with it.


18 comments:

  1. You know, it is days like this that makes me realize why I am addicted to blogs.
    I won't compliment you except for your courage.
    You are fortunate to have support in from a partner, long term especially. Mine comes from the same over achievers and doesn't have that capacity.
    So, thanks for your honesty. Lets see, courage, honesty...maybe I am complimenting you.
    Now if we could all just travel as they did on Star Trek and meet for coffee!
    Be well.

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  2. I won't compliment you either. Of course, I just wrote a paragraph full of compliments, but decided to erase them. You know all that stuff already. Have a mojito (at lunch) and enjoy the day. Or have one at breakfast and enjoy the day even more! :)

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  3. Hi Mitch - I would agree that the last thing you need are platitudes.
    But I would suggest that, exciting as the move as been, it takes it out of you emotionally and leaves you a bit raw.
    You're lucky to have Jerry there. I blame Movistor... it's their ineptness which caused all this!
    Food and drink should fix it.

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  4. Ok then, Mitch, I won't compliment you either. Suffice to say you are brave, honest, your blog is a joy and that knowing you online is a pleasure which I hope will last a long time. Hugs XXXX

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  5. Hello Mitch:
    Although it may well be a cliché, but one which has, we believe, much truth, that to enjoy the high moments fully, then it is, alas, necessary to experience the lows. We trust that with Jerry's support you will feel better about yourself very soon.

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  6. Theaterdog:
    That coffee sounds wonderful. Thanks!

    Walt the Fourth:
    I had a mojito at dinner and was tempted to have two. Thanks for writing and, especially, erasing. They got to me anyway!

    Craig:
    You're absolutely right about the move. And damn Movistar! Food, drink, and picture-hanging today.

    Judith:
    Thanks so much! And hugs and xxxx back!

    J&L:
    I completely agree that you can't feel one without the other. Too bad, when I'm in "the other," I can't appreciate that. But, it will definitely get better again.

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  7. I agree with all that's been said, and also feel that most of us, at times, don't feel good enough, or deserving.
    I know i do.
    But then I take a simple breath and look at what I have and whom I love and who loves me, and all the rest pales in comparison.

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  8. At this point in your life, I don't see you changing. I know, I sound like a real Debbie Downer but there you are. For better or worse, I am still the same person that I was at 13 years old. I still procrastinate like nobody's business and hate that about myself. And sure, there are other things that bother me about myself. However, I try to keep so busy that I hardly have time to think about them. My advice to most who have the hum-drums, adopt four little kids and you'll never have time to think about yourself.
    Take care Friend, m.

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  9. "talented, successful, attractive, over-achievers"? I may not know you well, but I feel like you just described yourself.

    You seem to travel quite a bit. You have a successful longterm relationship. I have great difficulty getting out of my city center or keeping a lover for more than a night. :)

    We are all of us works in progress. Yet progress is never straight in its ascension.

    Take care. :)

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  10. You are Transparent.
    RESPECT.

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  11. Writer:
    "Oh I wish that I could be. Richard Cory." No one is ever what we perceive them to be. You are so right about us all being works in progress. And I suppose if progress were straight in its ascension, I would be bored to tears.

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  12. Jazintosh:
    Thanks and RESPECT back to you!

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  13. Bob and Mark:
    Thank you both so much for your comments. I commented back this morning, but just noticed that they don't appear. So...

    Bob:
    Sometimes those simple breaths work for me and sometimes they don't. Unfortunately, this was one of those "don't" times. But, I do have so much to be grateful for and can appreciate that... now that I'm breathing again.

    Mark:
    So, I had a panic attack at the thought of adopting four kids. THAT didn't help! (Only kidding, really, about actually HAVING the panic attack.)

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  14. My dear Mitch - I can very much relate to needing to write things down to clear up some space in my head. Thanks for sharing this and the fact that you did speaks to the person that you are - wonderfully open and honest. Thanks for sharing, I think we all go through moments of feeling like this (whether we say them out loud or not) and hope you are having a better day.

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  15. And this is why I love my little blog world. So many great people. Hugs to you, Jerry and all who commented. So great to see in this world full of nastiness and mud.

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  16. Oh, that must be what I'm feeling everyday for the past 11 years. I'm glad it has a name.
    m.

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  17. I've nothing to add, all is said by the others. Just know the path most travelled is hardly a smooth one.

    I'm glad you have Jerry who knows you so well, your own rock in a rough sea of emotions.

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  18. Caitlin:
    Much better day today. Thanks!

    Nubian:
    I have to say I am really, really grateful to this "little blog world." What kindness.

    Mark:
    Oh, but the joy!

    Peter:
    Thanks so much, Peter. Jerry was definitely my rock last night!

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