Friday, March 20, 2015

Burning The Candle At Both Ends

I had a very special uncle named Aaron. He was the husband of my mother's oldest sister, Lilly. I first wrote about them on my blog about four years ago, sharing a story of their later years. (Click here.)

Aaron was nine years my father's senior. He taught my father to drive. He taught me to ride a bike. I loved Aaron. When I was a baby, the first time I said "daddy" was when I saw Aaron walk into my grandparents' apartment.

UNCLE AARON AND DAUGHTERS, 1949–50.

Aaron was kind, generous, loving, funny, and entertaining. He and my father were very close and similar in many ways. And they at times shared a somewhat (understatement) corny sense of humor. Sometime in the 1960s, Aaron gave my father a very special "gift."

While the Duchess was in rehab last month, I was searching for some paperwork in my father's night table and I came across the above-mentioned "gift." It had never even been used (to my enormous relief).

(Click any image to enlarge.)

LIKE-NEW, RARE, PATENT ALARM CLOCK.
THE SETTINGS.
THE INSTRUCTIONS...
(SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE FOR TRANSCRIPTION.)


So, who wants to help me burn my candle at both ends?


INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING
Just before going to sleep, instead of placing the candle in the candle-stick. STICK IT IN YOUR ASS up to the proper mark indicating the hour on which you wish to wake up. Then light the candle, lay on your face and go to sleep.
NOTE:  Don't fart in your sleep or you'll blow out candle.

26 comments:

  1. Oh, dear heavens, that is hilarious :)
    I just love your posts, Mitchell, and your family makes me smile :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judy:
      I'm passing the "heirloom" on to a dear friend this weekend.

      Delete
  2. HILARIOUS!!! Must have been wonderful being around these two jokers, Mitchell, when you were a kid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jim:
      Aaron was the best. More stories are forthcoming.

      Delete
  3. Yowsers dat would hoit me arse, Mitch!!

    Too funny!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ron:
      A part of that sentence could pass for your Newyorkese!

      Delete
  4. Hmmmm .... doesn't look like it's ever been used.... maybe your dad couldn't find any matches. How Funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharon:
      I don't think matches kept my father from using it. I found two sterling silver Ronson tabletop cigarette lighters right next to it.

      Delete
  5. That is hilarious. Painful, if used, but hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bob:
      Plugged in the other way, it could be used in place of NoDoz.

      Delete
  6. So funny that that got kept all these years. Still very current!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheapchick:
      My mother has never emptied my father's night table. It's a treasure trove.

      Delete
  7. I can just imagine your relief at discovering it hadn't been used! And, oh! that music... be still my heart!

    ReplyDelete
  8. What would you have done if it had been used. There would be an even better story there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anna:
      Had I found it had been used, there would have been no story here at all. That would be a little family secret.

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. Sheree:
      I had just recently told friends here about that "alarm clock." I was stunned (and elated) to find it.

      Delete
  10. OMG, that is the funniest thing I've ever seen, and I can think of a couple of people who would get this gift from my list!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda:
      I thought of passing it on to one of Aaron's grandchildren, but I think it will be enough for them to read the story and see the pictures.

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Gosia:
      I suppose this alarm clock hasn't made its way to Poland?

      Delete
  12. Don't fart in your sleep? That's not gonna happen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen:
      Really! And I wouldn't be worried about blowing out the candle as much as setting off an explosion.

      Delete
  13. I find it's enough to burn the candle at the one end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spo:
      Especially this particular candle...

      Delete

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