Burning The Candle At Both Ends

I had a very special uncle named Aaron. He was the husband of my mother's oldest sister, Lilly. I first wrote about them on my blog about four years ago, sharing a story of their later years. (Click here.)

Aaron was nine years my father's senior. He taught my father to drive. He taught me to ride a bike. I loved Aaron. When I was a baby, the first time I said "daddy" was when I saw Aaron walk into my grandparents' apartment.

UNCLE AARON AND DAUGHTERS, 1949–50.

Aaron was kind, generous, loving, funny, and entertaining. He and my father were very close and similar in many ways. And they at times shared a somewhat (understatement) corny sense of humor. Sometime in the 1960s, Aaron gave my father a very special "gift."

While the Duchess was in rehab last month, I was searching for some paperwork in my father's night table and I came across the above-mentioned "gift." It had never even been used (to my enormous relief).

(Click any image to enlarge.)

LIKE-NEW, RARE, PATENT ALARM CLOCK.

THE SETTINGS.

THE INSTRUCTIONS...
(SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE FOR TRANSCRIPTION.)

So, who wants to help me burn my candle at both ends?


INSTRUCTIONS FOR USING
Just before going to sleep, instead of placing the candle in the candle-stick. STICK IT IN YOUR ASS up to the proper mark indicating the hour on which you wish to wake up. Then light the candle, lay on your face and go to sleep.
NOTE:  Don't fart in your sleep or you'll blow out candle.