I'M A GROWN-UP. Or at least I think I'm supposed to act like one. My childhood wasn't bad as childhoods go. But I experienced a lot of verbal abuse. One would think that after all these years, I would be over that. But, whenever I'm down (and I live with clinical depression, so I'm often down), all those hateful words from my childhood play in my head. Often I hear the original voices; sometimes the words are the same but the voice is my own. I had an uncle who suffered abuse as a child. I was surprised at his 70th birthday party when my aunt told me he still struggled with that. Now I understand. San Geraldo had a great suggestion that I finally write personal letters to my verbal abusers that I can then read aloud — privately, like maybe on an empty beach. Even surrounded by gulls would be OK. I'm going to try it.
SOY UN ADULTO. O al menos creo que se supone que debo actuar como tal. Mi infancia no fue tan mala. Pero experimenté mucho abuso verbal. Uno pensaría que después de todos estos años, estaría más allá de eso. Pero, cada vez que estoy deprimido (y vivo con depresión clínica, a menudo estoy deprimido), todas esas palabras odiosas de mi infancia juegan en mi cabeza. A menudo escucho las voces originales; a veces las palabras son las mismas pero la voz es mía. Tuve un tío que sufrió abusos cuando era niño. Me sorprendió su fiesta de cumpleaños número 70 cuando mi tía me dijo que aún tenía problemas con eso. Ahora entiendo. San Geraldo tuvo una gran sugerencia de que finalmente escribiera cartas personales a mis abusadores verbales para luego poder leer en voz alta, en privado, como tal vez en una playa vacía. Incluso rodeado de gaviotas estaría bien. Voy a intentarlo.
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| CAN WE EVER ESCAPE? ¿PODEMOS ESCAPAR ALGUNA VEZ? |
Thanks to San Geraldo for helping me believe that I would be good even if...
Gracias a San Geraldo por ayudarme a creer que yo sería bien incluso si...
Gracias a San Geraldo por ayudarme a creer que yo sería bien incluso si...
Writing can be cathartic. That’s one of the reasons I wrote my memoir. It gave some validation to my feelings and experiences. Perhaps you should try a memoir.
ReplyDeleteFrank:
DeleteI have been writing a memoir of sorts for years. I tend to analyze in that, talking about everyone's experiences. It's healthy but doesn't allow me to just tell My truth. You did better with that in your memoir. So, I think the letter(s) will be more effective for me.
I feel ya, in a purely platonic way of course. I was molested by a great uncle when I was seven, but the verbal abuse I received from my mother (who was molested by the same uncle when she was seven) caused me more emotional problems. It was even worse than the beatings. She told my pre-balder half, right before we were married, that he was too good for me. She's been dead for twenty-five years now but I can sometimes still hear her calling me a cow eyed heifer and such. Some times I even sound like her, *shudder*. My little bald (I love his shaved head) fudge muffin, helped me more than he'll ever know because I don't have the words. I agree with Frank, writing can be cathartic. You don't really get over stuff, but coping can be made easier. Sorry for the essay.
ReplyDeleteDeedles:
DeleteDon't be sorry for the essay (my normal comments are longer than THAT anyway). But THANK YOU for taking the time to share such personal information. Cow-eyed heifer, huh? Me? One of mine was "shit-for-brains." Different parts of the country, maybe? I don't get as frantic as I used to when I see my parents in my own behavior. I tried for years to emulate my father -- including his macho anger. I've worked hard to lose the bad traits and find the good ones in myself. I'm glad you found your balder half when he was pre-balder! And I'm grateful for you and what you've shared. (Who's written an essay now?!?)
There is no greater lie than "words will never hurt us." Especially when we are young, verbal abuse gets woven into the fabric of our souls. I hope the letter writing helps exorcize some of it.
ReplyDeleteDebra:
DeleteThanks so much. I used to always wonder about that saying. Sticks and stones...
I was bullied as a kid - finally after 3 years I couldn't take it anymore and completely lost it (grade 7) and said come and get me, I'll fight to the death(melodramatic but hey, I was 12). My bully was taken aback and said she didn't realize I was that upset about it. Words can hurt the most
ReplyDeleteCheapchick:
DeleteI didn't suffer as much bullying as a kid as one might expect (especially being a gay kid), but my parents -- who were very, very good parents in so many ways -- made up for what the kids didn't say.
People find I'm very quiet when I talk especially with people I either have mute feelings for or people I can't stand. I have been on the wrong end of toxic people many times, and I became very introverted as a result.
ReplyDeleteAdam:
DeleteThe world is not an easy place, but there are some really wonderful people in it that make up (often) for those toxic ones.
Oh, Mitch. I'm sorry to hear this. I think your plan is a good one and may help. I hope so.
ReplyDeleteJennifer:
DeleteThanks. I haven't started yet... since I know it will be an emotional process while I'm doing it and I'm being kind to myself right now. I'm doing fine. FINE!
Sounds like a good thing to do, Mitch. Let the 'primal' out! I used to 'primal scream' in my car as I was heading home from teaching.......when some days were very tough. I always felt better afterwards. It is my hope that you get some relief as well.
ReplyDeleteJim:
DeleteOh, the primal scream. One of the problems I saw in myself was rage and anger. Primal screams felt good but didn't really help to overcome the build-up. But, like I said, it felt REALLY good!
Funny how these things can pop up years later... I still have a few favourites playing around in my head. I found that writing them down did help... and often made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteWillym:
DeleteYou're right about the laughter. I think once I start writing I WILL find some of it comical. I look forward to that feeling!
It’s so nice to think of San Geraldo being there to talk to you and give such loving, smart advice... you know, because we never even read him, let alone hear him. We have a sense of him, thanks to your blog posts, but never having read his own words, it’s hard to imagine him interacting with you. Maybe one day he’ll do a guest blog post:)
ReplyDeleteI love that Alanis Morrisette song.
Sorry to hear about your little lost ear bit!!
Judy
Judy:
DeleteJerry is a fascinating, complex, extremely intelligent, extremely goofy, grumpy, silly, unbelievably kind and generous, regularly hypochondriacal, and at times high-maintenance person. As you can tell, I adore him. We go through all the ups and downs together. That Alanis Morisette song hits me in the heart every time I hear it. The ear is recovering well. I plan to shave tonight before I go out. Wish me luck!
many *hugs* to you. :) Those voices are wrong. I know how hard it can be to shout them down, though. :)
ReplyDeleteSnoskred:
DeleteYeah, shouting hasn't worked (I've tried). Sometimes a calm "shut up" has helped. But that can sometimes seem weird...
Snoskred:
DeleteAnd thanks for those hugs!
I found writing letters to departed ones against whom I still held a grudge (or whatever) most helpful, if only to lighten the load off my chest - though unlike you, I was never abused in that or any other way.
ReplyDeleteRaybeard:
DeleteIt does sound like a really good idea for unresolved issues and relationships. Oh, the paper I'd use. I'll have to take my iPad or laptop to the beach when I read these!
Abuse lives on, even if the abuser doesn't.
ReplyDeleteKirk:
DeleteSo true.